Thug encounters

1) As I headed out and closed the door to my apartment, I see a figure in my peripheral quickly disappear behind a wall. This figure sees that I saw him and slyly reveals himself from behind the wall realizing that I did in fact see him. At this point i'm a bit scared and wonder why he tried to hide from me.... i'm also kind of scared because he looked something like this: 

And If i'm not careful...... I know that this could very well lead to this (note the rage in his eyes):

I slowed down and allowed him to pass since I didn't want this creeper following me.  He asked me a question "Yo man, do you know where "blah blah" lives?"(he kind of had a worried/uncomfortable face expression). I think to myself... I do not know who "blah blah" is but I'm guessing it's this really nice thuggish guy, whom I occasionally greet upon encounters, who happens to drive the nice 7 series. This guy lives in the same apartment complex as me. But I am not sure of this so I tell him no... and let him pass.

Being the observational person I am,  I notice 2 things as he passes by. 

1)He is walking in an awkward fashion with his legs spread widely apart. 

2) I also notice that he smells really bad.... Bad like doo doo.

 This caused me to conclude one of two things about why he walks the way he does.

 1) He purposely walks like that to accommodate his thuggish appearance

OR

2) He doo-doo'ed his pants and walks that way to prevent the doo doo from seeping through the pant-legs. 

In conclusion... I'm going to assume that this figure was trying to find his buddy's (thuggish 7 series guy who lives in my apartment complex) apartment to use his bathroom. Unfortunately, he just could not hold it long enough.  The tension in his rectum was released into his pants, which in turn, caused him to walk in an awkward fashion and smell terribly bad. This explains why he tried to shamefully hide from me, hoping that I wouldn't suspect that he pooped his pants.

Sometimes in life you are uncertain.... 

but sometimes it helps to guess to the best of your capabilities. 

That's how you learn to think and exercise your imagination.

<3

Eugene

The Mom Haircut

So a conversation came up about the fugees and dialated peoples today, which ended up leading to a conversation about smoking pot, which in turn led to pictures of me at cheerleading camp. Yes, the rumors are true...I was a cheerleader for many many years (more than I'd like to admit). I happened to have these pictures in my purse...

1. Please note the sleeveless polo. Nothing screams class like multiple ribbons in your ponytail. Also, the antenna on the cell phone is pretty epic. (Don't judge me, you know you had one of those). I think it's pretty apparent why the conversation went from smoking pot to me at cheerleading camp. You can tell by the googly eyes that the two went hand in hand.



2. This picture was also in my purse. It's a long story. (*cough, eharmony profile, cough*) ANyways, upon noticing my long flowing locks in this one, Brandon asked me why girls always cut their hair off when they know that they are going to regret it soon enough, and then spend forever thrying to grow it back to where it was in the first place. Sooo, we talked about girls getting bored and thinking its a good idea at the time until they have to go through the "awkward phase" (you know what I'm talking about). Then, Brandon asked "When do you think you will stop caring what your hair looks like...like...what age?" and I said, "Probably when I'm a mom...then I'll get a no muss no fuss haircut." Which leads me to my point...


...The mom haircut.



NO MUSS, NO FUSS.
P.S. There is an entire website dedicated to the mom haircut. It is: http://www.totalmomhaircut.com and their slogan is:"Short, fluffy, and easy to manage!"
...Just sayin'


On a lighter note, I thought this picture was kinda cool.

I heart EBAY pt. 2

Hi there, my name is Ron Steen. I am selling 2% of my future earnings

Let me explain. Ron Steen would like to sell 2% of his future income. Minimum bid price? oh yeah just 100,000.

Uhhh?

-babe, just trust me, i have 2% of Ron Steens income, we are going to be OK

Here is the info:

"Hi there, my name is Ron Steen. I am selling 2% of my future earnings for a chance to go to college. I am offering up 2% of every dollar I make for the rest of my working life for a starting bid of $100,000. I am starting Cal State University of Fullerton on August 21st, 2006 and I want to pay for college and its expenses by myself. In exchange for money to go to college I will send you 2% of whatever my income is annually in the form of a check once a year. This also means if I win the lottery you will get 2%, any income is your income (but I don't play the lottery so don't count on that one) The papers will be drawn up by my lawyer and you are more than welcome to look them over.

I am a really good guy: I have been the host of a tv show for the city of Anaheim, I have a dynamic personality and I am team player who is willing to learn. I have no drug or alcohol problems and my car is completely paid off. I have the drive and desire to do well in life. I want succeed, and I will. I am going to study communications and want to get into broadcasting and radio. After I complete my education I plan on making at least 30 million dollars in my lifetime. When I meet my goal, you will make six times your original investment. Where else can you invest in something that pays off every year and has the potential of making you over six times your money? Not the stock market, not real-estate, definitely not gambling. I can't really think of any one thing that pays off ever year like this. With this investment you are guaranteed one check every January for 40 years. I will be paying you in my working years, from the moment I finish college in 2012 until I am 65 in 2052 you will receive a check in the mail every January made out for 2% of my earnings from the previous year according to my W2s.

I want to make money, and am going to continue to work hard through college and into my career. I don't want to take out loans and go into debt, I want to catapult myself to the top. I want you to make a lot of money for believing in me. The more you make, the more I make, the better this will work. I am a man of my word, and you will make a profit. This is a great opportunity for anyone out there who wants to invest in someones future and be able to reap the benefits of the person they help. Thank you and if you have any questions please feel free to ask -Ron

A few small disclaimers:
Payment will be made in one lump sum within one week of auctions end.
I will not accept Paypal.
Yearly payments are transferable.
This agreement does not include any money I may inherit."

-so...basically...Ron does not play the lottery

FINAL NOTE: Ebay Patrol did take his auction down...not even a chance

oh well...heres bowie

(my mom told me to cover my eyes during this scene when i was 5) thanks ma youre the best

Holy Sh*t This Made Me Laugh!

Happy Valentines Day!

Walk the Beard

Walk the Line was a wonderful movie and this interview with Joaquin Phoenix on The Late Show is a wonderful fit of the bizarre. Can't wait for his 'hop-hop' thing to happen..

pop goes the world

"This picture of a ready to explode Nadya Suleman was taken eight days before giving birth to the last eight of her fourteen kids." (Huffington Post reports)

WTF.

N.A.S.A. Blast Off

So it's a little over a month into 2009 and I am still trying to put my head around everybody's 'best of' lists from last year. Artists like M.I.A., Lykke Li, Santogold and Kanye all had huge years and listings in '08. Well thanks to two musical friends, the above names may make some waves in 2009 as well.

N.A.S.A, the DJ collective of Squeak E. Clean and DJ Zegon, are set to release their debut album, "The Spirt of Apollo" next week (Feb. 17th) on Anti Records.

The album's 17 songs feature a near staggering amount of superstar collaborations. Get ready for this list-
David Byrne, Karen O and Nick Zinner, Chuck D, Z-Trip, Method Man, RZA, Lykke Li, M.I.A., Santogold, Tom Waits (!), Ghostface, George Clinton and Kanye.

Pee your pants yet? That's only half of the album's worth of collaborations.

"The Spirit of Apollo," is a hour-plus romp through every genre one could want to shake a booty at. Mash-up prince, Greg Gillis of Girl Talk should have a nice run for his money trying to get tunes at 2009's parties. I proclaim "Apollo" will be the party album of the year. Sorry 2009, it doesn't look like there is room to "Feed the Animals" and have some blast off time with N.A.S.A. also.

"Money," the electro-reggae-d up fourth track that sounds like what the Talking Heads would be doing today if they never broke up. David Byrne sings alongside Chuck D, Seu Jorge, and Ras Congo. You'll find yourself singing along with the chrous in no time; "money, money money, money is the root of all evil" Even this blogger was doing it, and the closest to reggae I come to is The Clash.

Track 10, "Gifted," should enjoy plenty of time on big-business, mainstream radio and fancy high-tech cell phone commercials. Kanye West, Lykke Li, Santogold oh my. Nuff said.

"Paper Planes" was a great song, but it got real old, real quick. For those looking for another M.I.A. banger, "Whachadoin," track 13, is your best bet. With a baile-funk background, (thanks to Yeah Yeah Yeahs' axe man Nick Zinner) that would have Bonde Do Role more than stoked and call-and-response lines from M.I.A. and Spank Rock, you better start planning a dance routine now.

Not to ruin the record before you've got time to check it out, let's just say that the above three songs are FAR from being the only good tracks on this album. "The Spirt of Apollo" shines from start to finish.

In terms of a best-of 2009 list, I can safely say I've already got two entries. Animal Collective and N.A.S.A., congrats for making it. Now we all just have to wait for that new Arcade Fire album.

Hidden Treasures

A close friend of mine...(by the heavens above me i shall not reveal her name...ill wait till she sees this) love her to death...gave me a beautiful authentic near deadstock..."ROFFE" jacket...and I thank you for this. I found the jacket while rummaging through some boxes and decided to put it on because its freezing in this town. I was amazed. The comfort level is through the roof! I zipped up that baby and fell asleep.



Half hour later, I found myself in awe and confusion. Thinking I had slept on my cell phone...I reached into the jacket and realized that I did not put my phone into the secret inside pocket. I unzipped it and reached in (thats what she said) and...

oh yeah...just what you expected...




hidden treasures!

From left to right:

1. durex condom

2. durex condom

3. AM PM matches (open 24 hours)

4. ROLLIT rolling papers

5. Ninja

-note to whom this may concern...i am holding these items at ransom...act fast...or you will never see these again

ps...here are more pictures

Dear Kellen,

I am creating this post to show some love for my sister Kellen. There is a wonderful tv show called Metalocalypse, on adult swim, that I somehow failed to mention to  you, my dear sister. Although I am well aware that  you are a huge fan of metal...butt-metal especially, I forgot (for a year) to tell you about this. I have failed you. My sincerest apologies. Therefore, I come bearing gifts/ offerings to prove that this was an honest mistake. I love you. I hope you will forgive me for my neglect to bring this to your attention sooner. Now, let the life-changing experience begin...

<3>

Soooo, my best friend/college roommate Amanda and I started a jewelry company. I made all the rings on my fingers in this wonderfully awkward photo below. Please try not to laugh. Thanks. More details to come, as well as more jewelry (not just rings, that would be stupid) but in the meantime, if anyone wants some jewelry, let a sister know!! WORD.  

As it has been made very clear...Kellen and I have a sickening obsession with fail blog. I apologize for the excess amount of these pictures that she and I have posted over the past week or so, but it is imperative that everyone know about this website. It ALWAYS makes my day within 2.5 seconds, and I highly recommend that anyone reading this go visit their website. (www.failblog.org)...it will change your life. Fo Sho. 

Anyone who thought that this paint job was a good idea deserves this. Plain and simple.

Someone ditched too many days of kindergarden...

"Mommy, is this what the strange man in the van's hands will look like?"

Bubble person parking?

I have nothing to say about this. Straight up.

Hey Lennard, I don't know if that thing we call the "internet" exists in that town that you're in, but if it does...I just wanted to say "hello".

I could totally use the phone to tell you this, but oh well, too late.

Love you long time.

Important Announcement!

My crush on Skater Braydon Szafranski is over! I'm so sorry Josh Hartnett for straying!

More Failure

Asian school girls giving the peace sign, yeah...never seen that before. Nasty dude in the back walking around with his pants down? I KNEW IT WAS PORN!

I agree. No skateboarders with Unibrows.


"Playing all those team sports in high-school couldn't prepare Ted for the skills needed to "high-five". FAIL


Grandma get back in the car.


This is what STDs would look like if they had a face. She was found the next morning on that same bathroom floor with a toxicology report of nine different drugs running through her system, panties on her head and vomit in her hair.


Simply Awesome. I imagine massacration playing in the background.


Two stupid girls, but more importantly, check out Smoker McGee behind them who's lighting the wrong end of her cig. PAAAAARTYYYY!!!!


Just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels.


Definitely from New Jersey. Men, women do not like this stupid hair cut, nor are they attracted to your orange skin. so knock it off already. And if she is into it, she's a tramp.


Lilly's ex-husband number 7


"Goddamnit Brett, It's embarrassing when you drop me off and pick me up from my mall job in that thing! What is your deal with Batman anyways? Do you love me as much as you love Batman?!?! (sobbing)"



Failblog.org makes me happy. (Lennards future?)

Who's The Boss?

Crotch slide Mc Gee! That's Who! I WASSSSS BORNNNN IN THE U S A!!!!!!!!!!!! (crotch slam) Goddamn I love Bruce, and would probably marry him if he was not already married to a chick that looks like a mix between carrot top and kathy griffin..oh yeah, and she plays in his band so she's got a leg up...what a bitch.

the independent revolution RIP

So this is old news but I realized that I didn't post on it before..

INDIE 103.1 OFF THE AIR.

Real. Fucking. Lame. I get the whole 'sticking the middle finger to the corporate suits' thing but come on.

Indie was one of the best radio stations in the country, except for that dark period over the summer when they played MGMT and Santogold every hour of the day. Your forgiven for that little mishap I guess. Great shows like Jonesy's Juxebox will be missed. Isn't 103.1 like some Mexican radio stuff now? ("Whoa, I'm on a Mexican whoa, radio..") Wall of Voodoo was so right.

I'm listening online so I guess it's not all that bad. Except there is no internet in my car. Wahhh. So far it's been Slint, Eagles of Death Metal, The Sex Pistols, Jet, The Hold Steady and The Stone Roses and Nada Surf. Alright alright.

Those long waits in Los Angeles traffic will never be the same.

Home

Being back home is weird...Staind is the new up and coming band, moms love high school gossip and high school drama, oh and its nice to know that my old history teacher got caught having sexual relations with a 17 year old...real classy (same idiot who gave a lecture on, "women should be treated with respect") hands down to you...oh and...hipsters? not ordinary hipsters...rich country hipsters? wearing colors I never new existed...matching their new outfits with their cars/monster trucks...its really nice to know that the vehicle next to me in the intersection is a tank and is so loud I can no longer hear...im deaf...and if I see one more bro wearing ed hardy! I swear I will light you on fire

Other than that...im good...I have found comfort from videogames, paper and pencil, a local skate shop (youre my boy caleb!), a family that rips on each other, and true friends I knew I could rely on...you know who you are...youre my saviors

I look forward to these 2 things:

New York! Candys Mad Phat Beats



And You